Harry Potter and the Attack of the Fanfiction Clichés
by LordGranger
Summary: A series of one shots where I make fun of certain tropes and clichés that appear in multiple fanfictions, like soul bonds, marriage contracts, Mary Sue original characters etc. Most stories will have Hermione as the main character. Those are meant to be comedic, and not actual criticism of said tropes or stories that use those tropes.


A/N: There are many stories out there who make fun of certain illogical things from the original books. I wanted to do it a little differently and make fun of certain clichés that pop up in every other fanfiction. These will be a series of one shots, with each chapter featuring a separate cliché. None of these are meant to be mean, in fact, some of the clichés that I'm going to feature are things I personally love, or things that I myself used in my own stories. It is meant to be funny, and not a real critic of stories that use those clichés. The main character in most of these stories will be Hermione, since she is the perfect character to be the straight man, and also because I'm most comfortable writing her, but sometimes it can be Harry, or someone else entirely, depending on the topic of the chapter. (Note: The Author notes won't be this long after this chapter).

Cliché in question: Soul bonds: Two characters randomly kissing or holding hands and their fates are suddenly connected with magic beyond anything else (or that is what most writers call it). In this story, we will go with the canon couple Harry and Ginny, but this is neither bashing of said ship, nor it is particularly a pro Harry/Ginny story. It is simply means for the punchline.

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 **Name is Bond. Soul Bond.**

Hermione Granger was sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, with a good book in hand, simply enjoying the rare silence. Outside of a few first years too scared to make a noise, the Common Room was empty. Hermione's two best friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley was outside for Quidditch practice, and while Hermione loved her friends dearly, she certainly didn't complain about the rare peace their absence provided.

However, her peace was short lived, as a commotion at the door started to distract her. She buried her head further into her book. She didn't have to look up to know who it was that brought another excitement to them. Sure enough, Harry ran into the room.

"Hermione!" he called. Now that she was directly addressed, there was no way she could ignore it any longer. Sighing, she closed her book and looked up.

"Yes Harry?" she said, trying her best to make it clear that she didn't want to deal with it at the moment. Of course, Harry completely ignored it. Her best friend was holding hands with Ginny and had a very excited look on his face.

"We need to talk to you" he said quickly.

"In private" added Ginny, who had a permanent grin plastered on her face.

"Okay" said Hermione knowing that there was no way Harry would let it go when he was in one of these moods. Admittedly, she did wonder why those two were suddenly holding hands, considering just yesterday, Harry was still crushing on Cho Chang. "Where?"

"Let's go to our dormitory. It should be empty right now." said Harry and quickly ran up the stairs, with Ginny in tow. Hermione sighed again, carefully marked her place in the book, and followed them.

"So what is going on?" asked Hermione as soon as she closed the door behind her.

"This!" said Harry, showing her their joined hands. He looked both excited and frantic at the same time.

"Did you two start dating? Because while I'm happy for you two, I don't think you needed that secrecy for this. Especially since you ran in the room your hands practically glued together." said Hermione. She was hoping, for their sake, that they had a better reason to separate her from her book.

"That is exactly the problem" said Ginny, who still looked way too happy for someone who was talking about a problem.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"We are glued together." answered Harry completely serious.

"I beg you pardon?" said Hermione, pretty certain that she must have heard him wrong.

"We can't separate our hands" said Harry, shaking their hands frantically to prove his point.

"Why?" asked Hermione.

"Because we are soul bonded" said Ginny, as if that explained everything. However, it only served to make Hermione more confused.

"What?"

"Soul bond" repeated Ginny.

"Okay, and what is that?" asked Hermione. Ginny rolled her eyes.

"It is when two people who are destined to be together are bonded by their souls. They are chosen by goddess of love and their souls connect to each other for eternity." explained Ginny.

"You are kidding right?" said Hermione. Both of them just stared at her. "Oh god, you are serious. How did it even happen?"

"We were in the Quidditch practice when Harry accidentally crashed into my broom-" started Ginny.

"Because I was going after the Snitch and you got in my way" said Harry immediately. Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. Then we both fell down, and our lips accidentally touched."

"Touched?"

"Well more like, I hit her with my face" said Harry, reddening a little.

"Yeah. After that, Harry quickly stood up and gave me his hand to help me stand up. But suddenly, our hands glued together and we couldn't let go." finished Ginny.

"And?" asked Hermione. "Where does the soul bond thingy come in?"

Harry showed Ginny with his hand. She blushed a little.

"It is from old fairy tales. When two people who are destined to be together kiss for the first time, their souls, minds and bodies connect to each other for eternity, and well, this is what happened with us."

"That doesn't sound right." said Hermione thoughtfully. "Are you sure that you weren't just pranked by someone?"

"No, everybody in the team promised that they didn't have anything to do with it" said Harry. "And there was nobody else."

"But that is so random and forced" said Hermione sounding exasperated. "Do you guys really believe that?"

"It is magic" said Ginny simply.

"It is not the weirdest thing I've experienced" said Harry shrugging.

"Yes but even magic has laws." Said Hermione. "And even if there was a Goddess of Love who sealed your fates together, how is it that she can do so much to bind your fates together, but the same magic somehow can't tell the difference between a kiss and lips bumping into each other?"

Harry and Ginny shrugged again. They didn't really care about the theory behind it.

"So let's assume it is true. Will you never be able to let go off each others hands?" asked Hermione.

"As far as I know, we will get more freedom once we get used to our relationship" answered Ginny.

"What relationship?" questioned Hermione.

"Huh?" asked Harry looking confused.

"Just yesterday, you were worried about Cho Chang Harry" said Hermione. Harry blushed as Ginny looked at him sharply. Hermione looked at Ginny. "And you were planning on dating Dean Thomas, right?"

"None of that matters anymore" said Ginny, blushing as Harry looked at her with surprise in his eyes. "We are fated to be together."

"So you are going to some random magical event dictate what you are going to do?" asked Hermione. "That reminds me; you said it binds you souls, bodies and minds. If body is holding hands, what about the other two?"

"Well-" started Harry, looking unsure again.

"Oh god, this is going to get worse isn't it?" said Hermione.

"We can talk to each other telepathically" said Ginny grinning.

"What? How?" asked Hermione. Even for Harry, it was an accomplishment to get into this much complicated stuff after she left him alone for a little over an hour.

"What do you mean how? I mean, we can just read each other's minds." answered Ginny.

"Is there any way to stop it?" questioned Hermione. They both shook their heads.

"There must be a cure for it." said Hermione after a short silence.

"Hold on, what?" said Ginny angrily. "What do you mean by 'cure'?"

"I mean, there must be a way to stop this right? Some spell. Ritual. Potion." said Hermione.

"Hold on time out" said Ginny. "Why are you treating our bond like some kind of disease?"

"What do you mean?" asked Hermione, sounding confused. Then it clicked. "Hold on. You actually think that this is a good thing?"

"What if I do?" challenged Ginny. "I love Harry and he loves me."

"Oh Ginny. You are being uncharacteristically naïve. Hold on. You said you can read Harry's mind right?" asked Hermione.

"Yes."

"And there is no restriction to it. No way to block each other or anything?" continued Hermione. Harry's eyes widened as he realized what she meant.

"No. Why would we want to though." said Ginny stubbornly.

"If you can read Harry's mind, please look and tell me what he is thinking right now" said Hermione. She simply shrugged at the angry glare Harry directed at her. This was for their own sake.

Silence filled the room as Ginny closed her eyes to concentrate. A few second later, she opened them again, only to glare at Harry.

"You don't think our bond is a good idea?" she questioned.

"No. I mean, yes. I mean, of course" said Harry in a panic.

"You don't love me?" asked Ginny this time, her eyes filling with tears.

"I do. Of course I do. But-" started Harry but in a typical Harry fashion, didn't know how to continue. He looked at Hermione pleadingly. She sighed. Once again, it was her who had to clean up Harry's mess. "I really should start charging him for it" she thought sarcastically.

"Ginny, it is not a matter of love. Not being able to hide anything from each other, no matter how much you love each other, is not a good thing." explained Hermione.

"Why? We would just have an honest relationship right?" said Ginny cluelessly.

"No, you wouldn't. You would still have small lies and secrets like everyone does, but you simply wouldn't be able to hide them." continued Hermione. "No matter how much you love each other, you won't want to share everything right?"

"Why not?" asked Ginny.

"Imagine if Harry sees a beautiful girl and feels some interest towards her" started Hermione. "Would you really want to know that?"

"Yes, I would want to know if my boyfriend is teaching on me or not" said Ginny dangerously. Harry gulped.

"It isn't cheating" corrected Hermione. "He is 15 years old. He can feel attraction towards others. It would only be cheating if he acted on those feelings. Opposite could also happen. What if you felt interest towards someone else? Would you want Harry to know about it?"

"Oh!" said Ginny, starting to understand where she is coming from.

"Or what if you had a fight and one of you has unconscious negative thoughts towards the other? The other would know about it even if you didn't actually voice those thoughts. And you wouldn't be able to make any surprises for each other. And what if you lost interest in each other after a few years?"

"That will never happen" said both Harry and Ginny at the same time. Hermione smiled, despite the urgency of the situation.

"I'm glad you both think like that, but it can still happen" said Hermione. "Harry is still 15. Ginny is 14. I'm just saying, it is a little early to think about a commitment for a lifetime."

"I loved Harry since I was 4 years old" countered Ginny.

"You were a fan of Harry since you were four years old" corrected Hermione. "You didn't even meet him until you were 10."

"What of it?" said Ginny, her anger rising again.

"I didn't mean anything by it" lied Hermione. Secretly, she thought that Ginny's hero worship about Harry wouldn't lead to a stable relationship, but that was something that they had to deal with on their own. "I'm just saying, if you ever get separated, it would be really awkward to have access to each other's thoughts at all times."

"Oh. Well, we don't have to really think about that though?" answered Ginny.

"Huh? What is that supposed to mean?" asked Hermione.

"Remember the connection between our souls thing? Well because of that connection, we are technically married by magic itself."

"WHAT?" screamed Hermione. Harry shushed her quickly.

"Hey don't be so loud. We really want to keep this a secret for now" said Harry.

"I wish you didn't tell me either. This is horrible" said Hermione, still not fully recovered from the shock. She continued before Ginny could throw a tantrum. "And no Ginny, I'm not saying that I have anything against your relationship. I'm saying that because you are way too young to be married."

"Well we don't have to act like a married couple immediately" said Harry optimistically. "We can just act like we are dating until we both graduate, and then have a real wedding."

"Do you really mean that Harry" said Ginny, looking at him lovingly. Harry nodded, causing Ginny to hug him tightly.

"Ehem, guys" said Hermione awkwardly after a while. "Can you maybe get to display of affections later. At least after we are done here and I'm back to my book?"

Harry and Ginny separated, blushing furiously. Hermione didn't feel too bad separating them, after they separated her from her beloved book.

"So what do you think?" asked Harry.

"What do I think? I think it is total bullshit, and it is more likely that somebody pranked you in a very elaborate way and you are simply not aware of it yet. If it is true, well I think it is the least romantic way to start a relationship, basically being forced by some goddess to be together without any say on the matter." answered Hermione.

"It is fate" insistent Ginny.

"Whatever" dismissed Hermione. "I also think that the mind connection thing is way too big of a responsibility, and it can backfire really quickly, even if it does have some advantages. Finally, I think you are too young to be married, and I think that you shouldn't consider yourself married at all until a real, official wedding ceremony."

"Well aren't you a party pooper" said Ginny, sounding a little annoyed.

"I'm just a realist. Now that being said, I'm happy for your relationship, and I wish you all the best." finished Hermione smiling. "I really hope I'm wrong and that it will bring you nothing but joy."

"Thanks Hermione" said Ginny hugging her. Harry gave her a brief hug as well.

"Can I go to my book now?" asked Hermione hopefully.

"Are you sure you don't have a soul bond with that book of yours?" said Harry grinning. Hermione only rolled her eyes on him.

"I have homework to do as well, I'm coming with you. You coming love?" asked Ginny to Harry.

"You two go ahead. I need to change my clothes quickly" answered Harry. Ginny shrugged, giving him a peck on the cheek, and the girls left the room.

Hermione took her regular place in the Common Room, and eagerly opened her book. Meanwhile, Ginny started to take out a quill and her book to start her transfiguration homework. She suddenly stopped and looked up.

"Hermione!" Ginny called silently.

"Yes Ginny?"

"You know how I can read Harry's mind now" said Ginny.

"Yes, we just talked about it" answered Hermione, wondering where this was going.

"What should I do about the fact that all he has been thinking since we left is 'Her brothers are going to kill me?" asked Ginny.

"Just reassure him Gin" said Hermione laughing.

"I can't."

"Why?" asked Hermione.

"Because I'm pretty sure he is right." answered Ginny.

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A/N: There you go. I hope you liked the first chapter. It was way funnier in my head honestly, but I felt like I had to start with this one. Hopefully the next ones are going to be funnier. Next one will be one of the following: Manipulative Dumbledore, harem stories, just misunderstood villains or random OC who appears and has a relation to our main characters (sibling, father, daughter etc.).

Tell me with a review which one you would like to see first, and also, tell me if there is any cliché that you would like me to write a chapter about. And finally, tell me your opinion about this chapter. Thank you for reading.


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